do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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