I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
