I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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