The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
