Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
