the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
