So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
