i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My feet surprised me
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