so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
