sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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