Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
