What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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