She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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