i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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