My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
