porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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