Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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