I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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