you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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