I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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