Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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