I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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