I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
