I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
