dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In America we eat man semen.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
