just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
