my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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