Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
