Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
