Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
