Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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