Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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