I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
