just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
