my room smells like sperm. sweet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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