nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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