My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
