It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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