I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
