Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
