Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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