My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
