do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
