god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
