apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
