He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
