I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
