Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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