you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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