I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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