I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
