I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
