I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
