Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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