Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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